A Beautiful Lie {PHAN}

Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN DAN HOWELL (danisnotonfire) OR PHIL LESTER (AmazingPhil).

BY WRITING THIS FANFIC, I DO NOT, IN ANY WAY, IMPLY THAT PHIL AND DAN ARE, OR EVER WILL BE, IN A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP. THIS WORK IS WRITTEN PURELY FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES OF THE FANS.
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"I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry."

"You know what? Me too."

There we were, just two boys in nothing more than sleep shirts and sweatpants, in the middle of the living room of our flat.

A long forgotten letter lay peacefully on the floor, crumpled and slightly torn.

A kiss was what brought on this deep spell; hurt, guilt, love, regret.

I swallowed the lump in my throat, only feeling more guilty about what had happened. I shouldn't have let it get this far. I should have put those feelings in their place when they became more than obvious. I should have just put my foot down this time.

But... I didn't.

And look at where we stand; cold, lonely, and, for the first time in our relationship, separated. Not physically, as we are used to the other going out with some friends while the other stayed at the flat, but mentally. Emotionally.

It killed me inside.

With complete disregard to his feelings, I fully believed for a split second that no one could feel worse than I did at that moment.

But I looked into his glistening eyes, and I understood. The pain within that poor head of his overwhelmed him so much that they had no choice but to escape as shining tears.

Finally, he shouted at me, "Well, then?? Where is it?! The anger? The tears? The 'get out of my life, you disgusting fag' speech? Don't be afraid!"

More tears escaped and he trembled, seemingly forcing himself to continue his venting, "WELL? BRING IT ON, THEN."

I knew what he was doing.

He wanted me to yell.

He wanted me to scream.

He wanted me to cry and rant and kick things.

He wanted to hate me.

There was no way in hell that I would allow that.

I will not let this destroy us.

But, unfortunately, rejection is a bitch.

I folded my arms slowly, maintaining my powerful and steady pose.

"No." I replied, surprising myself with how calm and gentle it came out.

I saw it- the flickering of conflicting emotions: pain, comfort, loss of control, love...

Hopelessness.

My will dissolved, my heart splintering into a billion pieces to meet his on the floor. I couldn't handle his pain.

My mouth formed words before I could stop it, speaking things that shouldn't be said.

"No, because..." I couldn't help but bring my eyes to meet his, proving that I was about to make the biggest mistake of our lives, "I-I love you, too."

No. I didn't.

Just like I couldn't bring myself to hurt him any more at the moment.

The easy way out.

I couldn't bear it as his face broke into a big grin. He stepped forward uneasily, slightly confused by my change in answer, but mostly ecstatic about it.

His face leant in close to mine, warm breath covering my face as he asked a one-word question. My heart sank as I gave my one-word answer; the only answer that couldn't shatter his suddenly healed, yet frail, heart.

Hot lips touched mine, pushing forward with love, gratitude, and relief.

"I always have loved you. I always will. Be mine?" The note he shoved into my hands had said.

I felt his lips twitch upwards into the kiss.

"Really?" He had just asked me seconds before our lips made contact.

In spite of my conscience pounding in my eardrums, I forced myself to smile and kiss back. I tried to force myself to feel what he was possibly feeling.

Either way, it was too late to take it back.

"...Yes," I whispered my response, heart pounding from every emotion opposite of what I now knew he felt.

I was trapped.

I loved him, but never like that.

I cared for him too much to tell him what I really feel; my rational side screamed to tell him, but my compassion for him staying strong.

I couldn't help it.

The kiss.

All it did was deliver my beautiful lie-

Instead of my painful truth.